After all the gymnastics of horoscope matching, a day has been fixed up for the boy and the girl to see each other. The female now has to present herself in her full glory, and has to prepare herself like a show-stopper at a fashion show. A visit to a parlour is the first step in the tinkering n tampering of a girl’s beauty.
The cheeks are examined under a microscope and all experiments are done to hide the pimples and black heads. The face, skin and hair all turn into Ayurvedic laboratories as the D-day approaches. Next is a decision that women can never make quickly all their lives – What to wear ?! All women are actually unofficial textile engineers as they dwell deep into the fabrics, colours and the designs of a saree. India-Pak border issues can be settled someday, but never the ‘border’ dilemma of a woman’s saree !
It is not right to blame the poor girl alone . She has to impress two extreme eras. The ancient civilization era of the in-laws and the modern world era of the husband. The woman goes into a paranoid mode in trying to appease these two weird, but most important characters in her life. The girl starts the most contradicting monologue within her mind. Should I leave my hair ? I would look stylish for Him, but his mother may assume im a walking w(b)itch ! Should I wear a short sleeved blouse to show him my toned arms ? His mother may think that I dress up like Raakhi Sawant !
Should I wear that lovely low-back blouse and flaunt my firm back ? He may gape at me as if I’ am a latest I-phone, but his mother may see me as a corrupted virus in that phone !
A woman consults and discusses about the choice of her dress with her friends, colleagues and cousins. By default, all these consultants are females . But the core idea is to impress a man with your dress, hence you should be trying to know the the likes of a man . So why are you asking other women for their approval ? This is like going to a plumber to fix up your computer ! Or, maybe the women don’t dress up to be admired by a man, but to make other women jealous !
It is time women knew what is the general consensus among men about a woman’s dressing. Heavy silk sarees of gawdy colours and large borders with zari, a hair full of flowers would make you look like a state transport bus decked up on the Aayudha Pooja day ! The only bulky silk the men ever liked was , maybe the late Silk Smitha ! The days of grand dressing and striking make-up are over long ago. This is the time of being trim, spick and span with moderate make-up. The buzzword is being an ethnic chic ! There are two options for you – choose light colours with designs and a zari worked large borders .
Or , wear dark coloured sarees with minimum designs and smaller borders. A woman in a dark coloured saree and a contrasting large border would make her look like an Eastman colour film of the 70’s. The secret is not in the cost of the saree you wear, but how neat you tie it and how well you carry yourself in a saree. First of all, the saree should sit on you well.
Creases and wrinkles on a saree are a complete no-no. Pinning your pallu at the right spot on your shoulder is a skill that one can learn with practise. The end of the pallu should not flow behind you like the gown of Queen Victoria !
Most of the women tuck their saree in such a way that it reminds me of a kangaroo’s pouch ! Ladies , please get one fact clear. Tucking up your saree to hide the abdominal fat will make you appear as if you are eternally pregnant. Either reduce your pot belly or find the exact level at which the saree should be tucked in.
Next is the bottom of the saree. It is a disgusting sight when Sunday is longer than Monday at your feet. Let Monday be always longer. You should be able to walk and move around comfortably in a saree. Many women move around so delicately in a saree that I begin to wonder if they are holding a time-bomb under their saree. Finally, a saree should be an extension of your personality . Always remember to buy a saree that is made for you , but you should never try to re-make yourself to suit the saree.
There is nothing much for the men to worry about their dressing. A neat shave, a semi- casual ironed shirts and trousers and a pinch of powder on the face would get the men ready . But the men too have their own set of problems in presenting themselves . The men begin to wonder – Should I be my natural self in front of the girl , or should i pretend to be the perfect man, which I’ am not ? Are my shoulders broad enough to make the girl swoon over me ? Will she notice my pumped up biceps ?
If I tell her that I like to be outdoors , would she assume I’am irresponsible at home ? If I tell her that I like to be at home and watch TV, would she assume that I’am a boring momma’s boy ? Would my devotion to God be misunderstood as my intention to become a Baba Ramdev in future ? Should I present myself as a financially generous guy , or as a very wise s(h)aving master ?!
Then there are two major scandalous topics which men can’t decide about easily. The first is about a man’s past affairs and crushes. As women are gifted detectives, they would naturally probe their man about his romantic past. Admitting that no woman ever liked me would be an insult to a man’s ego.
Confessing to a colourful past would paint the man as a flirting Casanova. 100% of men and women would never reveal their victorious and failed romantic conquests.
The second controversial issue is of the habits of a man – smoking and drinking. These bad habits are by default seen as obstacles to impress your future wife. Unfortunately , in India bad habits are equated with bad values and morals. A cigarette smoking man and drinking man is branded as a man who would lie, cheat and morally corrupt. This is as stupid as assuming I’am a fake just because I eat Chinese noodles ! Maybe this impression is the result of typical Indian movies – Where a villain is always shown as smoking and drinking. A man tries to not let his entire ‘habits’ rabbit out of the hat and the woman locks up her secrets in the closet.
After a few nights of such mental Kabaddi , the day of the meeting arrives. The event is handled in top secrecy . Any relative or friend wanting to visit the house is avoided by giving a lame excuse of going to a function. The boy’s family proceeds to the girl’s house for an interesting and amusing encounter.